The Switch

It’s been six months since my first corporate job started and every month a fixed number gets credited in my name. The first day of the month I feel so happy and proud to have earned my share but somehow as the month-end approaches, I see the feeling vanishing away. Everything goes back by one month and I start counting the days left for my next share. For the past few months, this routine is almost fixed. It’s as if I am re-joining the job every month. Somehow the numbers in my account don’t seem to add every month. But that’s my nature. If I have it, why not use it, make my life better and live the moment in hand; for “kya pata… kal ho na ho.” But can I predict how far this ‘kal’ is from today? Well, if it’s very nearby, then why not enjoy the last drop left; and if it’s far off, then again why not enjoy today as there’s a whole lifetime waiting ahead of us?

This is exactly the same feeling we all have when we are students. At least I had a similar one. Live life as it comes along; nothing to fear, no worries about retirement and all that stuff. But when I see many of my friends and colleagues doing tax savings, investments and planning for retirement, I feel even I should do so. But my brain somehow rejects the enormous load of how to save tax, how to plan for what does not exist today but is expected to come in future. May be it’s not that complicated as it seems. May be I’m being lazy and reluctant to think about it. With a silver jubilee of existence on earth, I have seen and experienced the repercussions of not saving and planning for future. In fact, of all the people I should be one who should start saving right from the first day of my work. But by extrapolating the last five-six months, I’m not sure if there would be any future-planning.

My problem lies in making the switch from the protective cocoon of college life towards the unexplored and vast world lying open in front of me. Somehow I’ve still not recovered from the fact that my college life has ended and that I’m now a part of the big world which reminds me of the challenges I have to face. Somehow I’m unable to break the barrier and take on the world with all my strength. However dark the future may be, I should plan so that I can sustain myself. And somewhere in my mind, I’m sure that I can manage my needs in the darkest and deserted times. And so can others with all their capabilities and resources. Being satisfied with the resources available to me, however little they may be, is my biggest strength. Does that mean I’m selfish? I’m sure that I can survive but what about my family? Can they survive when I’m not there? And it’s not about wealth alone; health and happiness do play equally important roles. I guess that’s the motivating factor which drives everyone to plan for the future.

Sometimes I get a head-ache when such self-brain-storming session happens in my mind and sometimes I get scared having done nothing so far. And I start wondering what I missed in my past years which could have catapulted my present life. People of my age are not only good in studies but are also proficient in other activities as well. Some can dance very well, some can sing, act, play sports, etc. Some have the capability to manage people. In short, they have alternate career options waiting at their door-steps. I only have a small technical brain without any special talent. I am not even a “jack-of-all-master-of-none.” May be I haven’t discovered yet, that special thing in me.

I don’t even know why I wrote this article. But somehow I felt the need to jot down what’s happening in my mind. Somehow I need to find that inner-peace so that I can remain calm in those though situations. And as my case goes, I’m always satisfied with my resources and achievements, however little or big they are. This satisfaction calms my mind and I feel peaceful. But can I achieve more if I’m already satisfied with what I have? Where is that spark which can drive me forward? How can I ignite it?

I know whatever I have written so far is full of negative energy; contains lots of unanswered questions, right or wrong I don’t know. When my mind is completely immersed in such negative thoughts, I revert back to my support system; my family and my friends. It’s only after thinking about them and the moments spent with them, that I start feeling better and the fear goes away. I get all my answers and motivation to keep going. It just gives me the required self-confidence and strength that whatever happens in the future, good or bad, I will not be alone. And with all my capabilities, however limited they may be, I can take good care of them and myself.